How To Smile

I stood alone. Amongst the masses of people, the laughter floating in the air, the familiar faces around me, I was horribly, miserably stranded in the muggy world of my mind where weeping willows and raging tides fought against each other: a battle for dominance inside an unfit arena.

It was as if the Gods themselves were arguing, trying to win the rights to sink my soul even deeper into the darkness pooling in my gut, twisting my innards. The pain was dull. The throb was hardly noticeable when there were so many people around me. Their loud, shrill voices pierced the darkness that was me and somehow made it hurt less; less, but not completely.

“Can you cure me?”

I often found myself wondering aloud, pitifully praying for my question to be answered. Of course, it never was. All I received in returned were sets of wide eyes, incredulous glances, judging stares: ignorance, naivety. Yes, bittersweet ignorance is all I ever received from these people I was supposed to call my peers. Though I will never judge them—I can never judge them—because of their inexperience with emotions that are real. However, their naivety couldn’t answer my question.

I found no answers at school. Instead, I consulted my parents, the people who supposedly held their children dear and vowed to never let them get hurt. So, with this concept in mind, I confessed to them lightly.

“I think I have a problem.”

However, my plea fell on deaf ears. The son of a wealthy business man and a pristine wife wasn’t allowed to have any problems; he was supposed to be perfect, not have pesky problems, imperfections. So, they disregarded my words, only using them as kindling for the fireplace, being careful to hide the chip in the rumored flawless diamond.

I could seek no sanctuary at home, so I consulted my friends—the last on the list, the ones I was most afraid of. Gathered around the quietness of the lunch table, I meekly spoke, turning the spotlight on me.

“I think I have a problem.”

A chorus of sneers, complaints, and sighs followed after my statement, making the despair budding in my chest bloom into my veins, drenching me in misery. Pain rippled through my chest in disbelief; how could they say such things? Unknowingly did they feed the ever-starving monster in my gut the last of my hope, the final shred of light I was seeing until everything turned black.

I ran. I ran away from them, from the people painting the world black, and tried to seek safety someplace. An empty classroom is where I hid, where I cradled myself, where I cried. Colours poured from my eyes in a desperate attempt to make me feel something, something other than the dull throbbing of the pain in my chest. I wanted, no, needed, to see something colourful in life—not just the crimson rivers that stained my wrists with permanent agony. There had to be something, anything…

But I was beginning to doubt I could ever be cured.

“Are you alright?”

The voice cut through my cries like a knife, silencing me. Bones still shaking, I look up at him, the boy, who stares at me curiously, his expression morphing into one of concern after seeing my twisted frown. He bends down to my level.

“Are you alright?”

He repeats with a softer, feather-light tone. Chocolate eyes scanned my features, attempting to detect a hint of an answer. My lips tremble. My eyes are hazy. My throat is tight. However, I still manage a few meager words.

“I think I have a problem.”

He smiles wryly.

“I think I can help you.”

I cry.

That’s how it is between me and this boy. It’s the way it’s been for many years after; him caring, me needing to be cared for. I feel the burden of hate lift, the rage I felt for society draining from my veins. Of course, a billowing cloud of guilt would bubble in my gut. I didn’t want to make him feel as horrible as I did.

He confronts me on a day where the sun is shining.

“Are you alright?”

“I think I have a problem.”

“I think I can help you.”

“Can you cure me?”

He smiles, the unspoken confirmation dancing truthfully in his eyes as he stares at me lovingly; I look I’ve so cherished over the years of being together. He nods. And, for the first time in a long time,

I smile.